I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
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Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Guys, I found it.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
The fall of Netflix
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.