@BoomBoomBetty

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

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@The_Sculptress

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

@sweatheartmoony

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

@PhilJamesson

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

@AbbieEvansXO

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

@

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

@NamestartswithZ

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

@MatCro

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

@TriciaLockwood

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

@RxitWounds

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

@dumbbeezie

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating