@1_swarthy_dude [interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
@santhonythomas I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
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@1_swarthy_dude 
@Brampersandon_ FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
@AngelaEhh My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
@hisamwelch smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
@KeetPotato [me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
@lemmywinkler Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
@desiboho Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
@Hormonella So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
@unravelingfire If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.