I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
You know…for fall…
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan