I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

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[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”


FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg


My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.


smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.


[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”


Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”


Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”


So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”


4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”


If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.