I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
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(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP