I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
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*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.