I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
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“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
got so much cardio in today
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.