I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Pikachu found the lost joint
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I have two kinds of followers
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.