I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
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Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
emergency phone
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.