I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
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Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.