I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

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Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.


My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English


Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.


Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.


Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.


Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….


I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.


For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.


I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.