I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!


I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.


It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.


Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.


Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”


I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.


What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?


Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …