@noog

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

@treydayway

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

@weinerdog4life

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

@kibblesmith

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

@donni

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

@hythemafia

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

@That_Damn_Duck

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

@Tbone7219

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

@asimplesean

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.