@noog

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

You Might Also Like

@saggiesplinters

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

@JulianLeeComedy

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

@Aikiwomannc

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

@MavenofHonor

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

@MandaDeen

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

@WetzelGeek

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

@mondaypunday

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK