I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
remember
only for emergencies
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.