I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs