i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.