I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
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This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her