I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
You Might Also Like
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
This hospital has everything
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom