I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
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Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming