I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I’ve had worse
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.