@noog

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

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@BobTheSuit

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

@radtoria

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

@Girl_Censored

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

@ieatanddrink

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

@williamwanton

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

@kelkulus

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”