Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

I’m not proud

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

Fights fire with marshmallows

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

my favorite genre of twitter

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home