@BobTheSuit My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
@noog I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
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@BobTheSuit 
@Jake_Vig “Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
@radtoria my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
@WoodyLuvsCoffee If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
@Reverend_Scott American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
@Girl_Censored I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
@ieatanddrink This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
@williamwanton Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
@kelkulus When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
@JustMeNina76 Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
