I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
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Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon