Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.