I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Girl, same.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out