I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
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I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered