I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
it’s the silliest best thing
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Bobby pin
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
All excellent questions
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.