I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
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boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
scrabbled eggs
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced