I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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his wife is probably gonna see that
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle