I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?