I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
You Might Also Like
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
2022 be like
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?