“I FIXED IT!”
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Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*