I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
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Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.