@LurkAtHomeMom

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

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@brandynmacd

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

@kylekinane

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

@kfoagkfoag

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

@fuzzlime

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

@thongbeard

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

@NamestartswithZ

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

@coleycannamama

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

@lovemydogduck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.