I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
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For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
#parenting
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.