I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please