I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
favorite tropes as memes
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.