I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
You Might Also Like
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house