I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
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What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.