I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
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The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I hate my earbuds.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season