I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
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Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Who chose this font
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.