I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
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Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies