@TuSoonShakur

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

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@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

@badbanana

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

@SnarkyMommy78

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

@CMHorrocks

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

@osigat

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

@Not_From_Troy

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

@noog

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

@BuckyIsotope

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.