I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?