I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
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911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Ok, but like, how married are you?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.