I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
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I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Never let them know your next move 😂
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*