I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

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I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters


I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.


3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.


Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands


*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.


If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.


I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)


Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.


Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later


I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.