I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
You Might Also Like
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??