I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
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*pronounces surface like Versace*
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Krampus.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
waiting for halloween be like:
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.