I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
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Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I’m confused about plants
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”