I forgot how to panic. Help
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN