I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
You Might Also Like
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”