I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
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If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My love language is hissing.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.