I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
noah: two of every single species on earth
noah: and a boat to fit them all
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
noah: and all my friends are going to die
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
this is the news I live for
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.