I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
*jazz hands*
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.