I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
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I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.