@nutsaremixed

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

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@YesThatAmy

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

@10InchesPlus

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

@deephora_

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

@iAmJuddy

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

@noog

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

@ChoclairsIndia

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

@thejessbess

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

@brandynmacd

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.