i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
You Might Also Like
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!