I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist: