I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
The 6 types of sex
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail