I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
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[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.